I remember reading a number of parenting books before and while my kids were little. Often they contradicted each other and claimed that if you did what the other guy said, you would ruin your children! That is not the kind of input a new or young mother needs! You already deeply fear that you will ruin your children. Some of that fear seems very natural otherwise you might not really understand what you just got yourself into. But most of it comes from our own insecurities. I, myself, was laden with insecurities and often I was just waiting for the failure to rush through the door and destroy everything. But then it didn't.
Yes, there were some crazy hard days and then many crazy hard days strung together at times, but nothing came through the door that just destroyed everything. Looking back I wish I had not spent so much time waiting for doom to come. I could have really used the energy to read a few more books to my kids or take a nap!
So what about now?
They have grown up. I have two still in college and two out. The boys are still preparing and the girls are out and tackling life. It's an exciting time! And yet I can still feel the old fears wanting to surface and I can still keep an eye on the door waiting for doom to come. Sadly that feeling didn't just go away because they left my house. They are a part of me and always will be. I am a mom and always will be. Somebody should point that out or have you sign a waiver before you start having babies. This all seems obvious and yet I would have benefited to have an older woman look me in the eyes and tell me these truths.
But I am older now and my insecurities have been in the hands of Jesus for many years. New insecurities have been added to the pile, but my God is now bigger and gooder (more good - grammar police) and I trust Him more than when I was young. I am really thankful for that! The stakes just keep getting higher as life goes on. These children of mine will probably start getting married at some point and might even make babies themself! No pressure from me, but that's often how life works over time.
So the truth is I need God to keep getting bigger and gooder. I need to keep opening my hands to Him and trusting him more. There is still a lot to do as a mom and perhaps as a grandma. It will require a faith I know I am starting to attain but there is plenty to do still. So perhaps this is where I start becoming the one who goes back to school, not for a degree but simply to attain a learner's heart. That way, one day, when little people come to teach me how to become like a child so that I may enter the kingdom of God, I will be ready. Then I can proclaim "Another Homeschool Success Story" but this time for myself.
