Spanish, Japanese, Korean, Chinese ... oh my!

As a homeschool mom, I saw a wonderful opportunity to teach my kids a foreign language. Being a practical homeschool mom, I chose Spanish. We bought several spanish curriculums, took spanish in our little co-op, paid the big money for a Rosetta Stone package and I even took my oldest to Guatemala for a missions trip. When she started public school in 8th grade we signed her up for Spanish and she started down that road her Freshman year as well.

But she was just terrible at it and I could never figure out why. She had access to all the tools. Yes, I know a native speaker is helpful, but she just hated it and therefore did not excel at it.

In the meantime, she was developing a great love for Asian cultures. Anime is the gateway drug for all things Asian. (You've been warned.) She met some Korean boys at school that she befriended and through the friendship, she started to learn their language. Throughout her life, she has seen the marginalized and then done something about it. At the age of 4 she would get out of the shopping cart and go find the people in wheel chairs or the elderly staring at the floor and get right up into their faces and say "Hi!". It is a quality I have always admired and even stood in awe of at times.

Foreign exchange students are a marginalized population in our schools. This is why we did some of our own hosting because it is so hard on these kids. American kids are very self-centered and in their attempt to fit in, they are not even aware of the kid from another country. But my daughter was always aware of them and initially I assumed her interest in language was just an attempt to find some common ground. But let me remind you about our role as a parent. We are entrusted with children to enjoy them, shepherd them and encourage them to become what God intended them to be. That requires me to hold their future loosely because I am not God and I don't know what they are here to do. If you see it as being on a grand adventure together and not get caught up in the destination, then the journey is really quite lovely (and fun!).

So my oldest is now in college majoring in Japanese with a minor in Chinese and she speaks some Korean on the side. As a freshman she is in 3rd year language in both because she has worked so hard to immerse herself in the asian culture and those are her friends. She is on course to study abroad in Japan next year and hopes to spend the summer in China. Wow!

Looking back now, I might have been off on the Spanish thing a bit. She is clearly gifted and blows away even most of the native speakers with her language skills. To her credit, she has used Skype, friendship, school, travel and work situations to immerse herself in the languages and cultures. She presently works at a Chinese restaurant. Genius!

So what is the moral of the story? Hold their hand, not their dreams. Allow them to lead and just be with them and excited for them. Enjoy them and marvel at what God has prepared in advance for them to do. It feels like we are continually unwrapping a Christmas gift as they get older and start to try new things. Give them freedom to fail. We really do not understand the blessing of failure and suffering in America. They are not the enemy. Satan is our enemy and he comes in many forms. Sometimes, he comes as the voice of reason and being practical and we find ourselves crushing a young dream before it even has a chance. I have apologized to my daughter for the wound of practicality. I know my heart just wants to keep her safe, but is that about her or is that about me? My answer too often has been it is about me. I love her and I will miss her as she dances around the world.

But to see your child living out their calling and living with joy and passion is a blessing I simply can not describe. It is truly Another Homeschool Success Story.

And then one flew away ... or should I say danced away!

When we first discussed homeschooling, we always considered putting our kids into public school at some point. It was never really our goal to educate them all the way through. Sadly, that meant I never really got to teach the high level science I really wanted to, but I may be only raising one scientist, possibly, so probably not a big deal. But it also meant they would need to make transitions at an older age that most kids make at a younger age. This is the one thing my kids complain about the most. Everyone has been going to school together for a long time and they have struggled to find their place. But each has found a place. Drama, band, choir, soccer, softball, mascot, and various clubs have given our kids a place.

But here is the fascinating part for me. My oldest just went to college and it is like the lid of her life has been ripped off (in a good way). She loves college, really enjoys her teachers and classes and loves the independence. We just got a pedicure together and it was so fun to hear how alive she is with dreams and ideas. I could brag about accomplishments, but what astounds me is her joy. But she is also wonderfully responsible. Amen! Somehow amidst the years of trying to find her place, she has simply created her own place and invited others to join her. I love it!

I won't lie. This was my hope with our big education plan. Start homeschooling with the eventual move to school so by college they would know who they were, that they are loved, and believe they were created for a purpose. "The Glory of God is man fully alive." St. Irenaeus. One down, 3 to go.

Now this feels a bit premature and I'm not ready to write my book, but I really wonder about the spiritual elements of this educational philosophy. I am about half way through my Master's at Moody Bible Institute so take it for what its worth. But I have been surprised at the importance of suffering in the Word of God. I am not sure I can even think of a major character of the Bible who does not go through a time of suffering, or a life of suffering. It simply has a place in the life of God's people. Now in reality it has a place in everyone's life. No one gets through this life without experiencing suffering. This is a broken world. But in God's economy, nothing is wasted and the suffering really does produce something amazing if we let it do its work. It can produce bitterness as well if we let it. So how does this relate to our educational philosophy?

When we chose to send our kids to school, it was largely practical. I knew there were things I could not teach them in "the warm glow and in your pajamas" days of homeschooling. They needed to learn how to navigate bullies, deadlines, grades, juggle many classes, wardrobe malfunctions and the opposite sex. But now that we have put one threw (spelling intended) the system and she is off at college, I see that high school was all that and a lot of suffering. But perhaps suffering has done its work and now at least my oldest can experience its benefits.

So check back with me in 5 years when all of them move to the next level. Perhaps my oldest is an anomaly and the rest will have a very different experience. But I can see the same work in their lives as high school takes its toll on them. There really is no way to stop the suffering sometimes for our children. That is a very difficult truth to accept as a parent. But now I can see it as a gift from God and not pointless affliction or just bad parenting.

Perhaps it will even yield "Another Homeschool Success Story" as we watch God do exceedingly, abundantly beyond all we can ask or imagine. (Eph 3:20)

Hard Choices

Life is full of hard choices. This year we had to make the hard choice of keeping our foreign exchange student for the entire school year or asking her to be reassigned to another family. It has been a long, hard year for many reasons, but it just seemed to catch up with all of us and the house had become a place of anger and tension. My son said it well "She just seems like a guest who has overstayed her welcome." But my oldest daughter who asked for this arrangement had become the meanest part of the equation.

We tried many different housing arrangements, had many conversations and asked a number of people for help, but in the end, we needed to make a decision. Life was not much fun for anyone including our student. When the decision was finally made, I was the one to help her pack everything and move her out. When she arrived that afternoon to move, I just hugged her in the driveway and we both cried about how sad we were that this house was no longer the best place for her to be. Thankfully another family in a different school stepped in to care for her, but it was one of the harder decisions we have made in a long time. My hope is that her time in America ends well and she feels safe and cared for and even has some fun before returning home.

But here is the take away lesson. Healthy kids will fight for the things they need, but they use immature weapons. Initially I was very disappointed in my kids for their growing coldness towards our student. There were days they were just down right mean. It led to many conversations and a few apologies. But now that the circumstances have changed and we all have a little distance, I can see it better than while we were in the moment. Joy is returning to our house and even tonight we played a game at dinner that was really enjoyable for all of us. But to my kids, something precious was being threatened; our family. To me, I see us as a strong family that has all this love to give hurting people. Our little girl was hurting in many ways, but to my kids, she was also stealing something they needed; my attention.

My oldest is graduating and going off to college in the fall. She has a summer job in CO and will leave the day after graduation. She needs this time to be about her, not someone else. I can see that now and I don't think it's very realistic for an 18 year old to be able to articulate that truth. Instead, she got mean because she felt like the thing she needed, my attention, was being stolen. Does that give her freedom or justify her actions? No. Should we go on sinning so that grace may abound? May it never be! But I get it now. I can take it as a compliment that my daughter needs me and we can talk about what was happening underneath the surface.

My heart still hurts for our student. I pray for her and am trusting God that we loved as well as could. It was not perfect, but little in this world is perfect. Jesus is bigger than our family and He uses everything to draw us to Himself so He can love us. This one hurt, but I will still consider it Another Homeschool Success Story!

Conversations and Hand Grenades

Good conversations may require dodging hand grenades. But I guess it really depends on the child. My second child uses lots of hand gestures and speaks surprisingly loud when she is agitated and needs some help processing her emotions. My third child hides in his room, but will slam the door to help us get the hint. My fourth child will simply cry and have no ability to communicate what he is feeling until he is given a list of feeling word options. I have had conversations with him that require me to use every feeling word I know. I then look for which one makes him cry harder and then I have my first clue as to what might be going on.

However, with my oldest, she employs the passive aggressive smile technique. I find it so unsettling for me. It makes my skin crawl and I have to be careful not to over react. I consider it her form of hand grenades. Eventually as the conversation continues, they become more overt anger bombs being thrown in my direction. It is always striking to me how I need to be on guard to not take it personally. I don't know if it is because she is my oldest, or a girl or just our personality mix, but her grenades seem to be the most damaging to me.

I can handle the loud voice and hand gestures. Doors are never locked so they are easy to knock on and enter. The feeling word list is long, but not infinite. But personal hand grenades when you are attempting to draw a child out and help them, is tough stuff. But if you do the work, keep dodging, bobbing, weaving and don't over react, you may eventually find that child's tears.

I read somewhere "If you find a person's tears, you will find their heart." I think this is true. However, it takes a fair amount of patience and attention to detail to get to that place. I am very thankful that God has slowed down my life enough to offer those qualities to my kids. To be honest, they are really enjoyable people to hang out with and I'm glad I did not miss it. They are funny, witty and wonderful sinners and I am so thankful to be their mom.

BTW - I do have a secret weapon when my patience wanes or I do over react. Steak and Shake. I know each of their orders and how to feed a reticent heart and make it talk. It often affords me Another Homeschool Success Story!

The Winter of our Discontent

Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this sun of York;
And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

I know this is Shakespeare and means something entirely different, but man has it been a long winter! I was recently talking to a friend who was considering not homeschooling anymore. She's a great mom and a wonderful teacher to her kids. So I encouraged her to see this winter as a traumatic event and to not make any big decisions for at least a month. Seriously, it has been a traumatic event kind of winter.

Recently I needed to call our school to ask if they would move our son and daughter's lockers away from each other due to their infighting. What struck me about the conversation was how negative the woman was when we started. After I asked for the move, all she said was "Why?" in a tone that said, "it's been a really long winter for me too lady. Don't make my life any harder then it already is!" So I simply shared my weary heart with her and asked her to please help me. Within minutes, she was helpful and accommodating. "A gentle answer turns away wrath." Thank you Word of God!

We also needed to separate our oldest daughter and exchange student from their shared room. The cabin fever was too much for all of us! Everyone just needed space to breath again. But we also learned something about our kids. They live with assumptions. Our kids felt trapped and did not see how it would ever get better. They assumed they just had to deal with it, or they assumed we would not be open to their ideas on how to solve the problem. I remember how my daughter burst into tears when I said "Lets just move you." Clearly she had never considered that option. My other daughter suggested the locker move idea after getting busted for a mean spirited practical joke on her brother. But she said it as if we would never be open to the idea. I moved my daughter out of the room within the hour and moved the lockers the next day. Momma gets stuff done!

All of it was very helpful and we have continued to make some changes that have brought even more harmony. But I was struck how we needed to be the adults who intervened on behalf of our kids and saw their bad behavior as a cry for help rather than just selfishness.

Kids need heros. Sometimes they need to be rescued from themselves. I got to feel like a hero this month. It was a good feeling amidst this long winter of our discontent. I will consider it Another Homeschool Success Story!

Foreign Exchange Students

Last year we welcomed a girl from Russia in our home for spring semester. This year we made space for a girl from Japan for the entire school year. As with most endeavors, this has been hard and good for our family. I think both girls would say the same thing. Having anyone live with you can be difficult. Everyone has their own way of doing life. But add on top of that culture and language and family size barriers and this gets downright tricky.

I think we anticipated the language issues. It took a bit more to consider the culture issues. We learned a lot about them and they have learned a lot about us. But what surprised us the most was the family size issue. Both of our students are single children. We are a family of 4. When you grow up with brothers and sisters, life is a very different experience.

Let me be more specific. How do you know how big a piece of pie to take if you are an only child? Well you can take up to a 1/3 if you really want to I suppose. But honestly, you probably just take as much as you want. But in a family of 4 kids 2 adults and 1 foreign exchange student, the math is different. It seems like a bit trivial example, but we have noticed these to be the biggest stumbling points for us as a family. As a family, we have all learned how to accommodate and make room for each other. A child growing up alone, does not learn that skill. To a big family, the child seems very selfish and in fact they kind of are selfish because they have not learned how to live with other people. This manifests in bigger areas as well such as knowing how to manage time in the bathroom, needing rides, asking for help, and assuming the world revolves around you. :) All teenagers go through that phase. But in a family of 4 you simply can't accommodate everyone. There just isn't enough time. However, with one child, you can. So perhaps the speech does not really connect with a child who is told they are not the center, but gets treated like they are the center. Food for thought.

Language barriers come down overtime and culture barriers are somewhat interesting to discover and discuss. But family size seems much more personal and harder to explain to a child who does not know any different. It has been the most surprising and difficult part of our journey in welcoming these young girls into our home. Now the truth is that we love them and I am pretty sure they love us. America is certainly a more "huggy" culture than Russia and Japan but we pushed through that and those girls got lots of hugs. We also told them about how much Jesus loves them and hopefully they will grow in that understanding as they go through life.

As for now, we have taken the genius step of having our Japanese student make a cake for the family every week. She enjoys all the fun of learning to bake and frost cakes and our family has 24/7 access to cake. It's a win/win and clearly Another Homeschool Success Story!