Conversations and Hand Grenades

Good conversations may require dodging hand grenades. But I guess it really depends on the child. My second child uses lots of hand gestures and speaks surprisingly loud when she is agitated and needs some help processing her emotions. My third child hides in his room, but will slam the door to help us get the hint. My fourth child will simply cry and have no ability to communicate what he is feeling until he is given a list of feeling word options. I have had conversations with him that require me to use every feeling word I know. I then look for which one makes him cry harder and then I have my first clue as to what might be going on.

However, with my oldest, she employs the passive aggressive smile technique. I find it so unsettling for me. It makes my skin crawl and I have to be careful not to over react. I consider it her form of hand grenades. Eventually as the conversation continues, they become more overt anger bombs being thrown in my direction. It is always striking to me how I need to be on guard to not take it personally. I don't know if it is because she is my oldest, or a girl or just our personality mix, but her grenades seem to be the most damaging to me.

I can handle the loud voice and hand gestures. Doors are never locked so they are easy to knock on and enter. The feeling word list is long, but not infinite. But personal hand grenades when you are attempting to draw a child out and help them, is tough stuff. But if you do the work, keep dodging, bobbing, weaving and don't over react, you may eventually find that child's tears.

I read somewhere "If you find a person's tears, you will find their heart." I think this is true. However, it takes a fair amount of patience and attention to detail to get to that place. I am very thankful that God has slowed down my life enough to offer those qualities to my kids. To be honest, they are really enjoyable people to hang out with and I'm glad I did not miss it. They are funny, witty and wonderful sinners and I am so thankful to be their mom.

BTW - I do have a secret weapon when my patience wanes or I do over react. Steak and Shake. I know each of their orders and how to feed a reticent heart and make it talk. It often affords me Another Homeschool Success Story!

The Winter of our Discontent

Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this sun of York;
And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

I know this is Shakespeare and means something entirely different, but man has it been a long winter! I was recently talking to a friend who was considering not homeschooling anymore. She's a great mom and a wonderful teacher to her kids. So I encouraged her to see this winter as a traumatic event and to not make any big decisions for at least a month. Seriously, it has been a traumatic event kind of winter.

Recently I needed to call our school to ask if they would move our son and daughter's lockers away from each other due to their infighting. What struck me about the conversation was how negative the woman was when we started. After I asked for the move, all she said was "Why?" in a tone that said, "it's been a really long winter for me too lady. Don't make my life any harder then it already is!" So I simply shared my weary heart with her and asked her to please help me. Within minutes, she was helpful and accommodating. "A gentle answer turns away wrath." Thank you Word of God!

We also needed to separate our oldest daughter and exchange student from their shared room. The cabin fever was too much for all of us! Everyone just needed space to breath again. But we also learned something about our kids. They live with assumptions. Our kids felt trapped and did not see how it would ever get better. They assumed they just had to deal with it, or they assumed we would not be open to their ideas on how to solve the problem. I remember how my daughter burst into tears when I said "Lets just move you." Clearly she had never considered that option. My other daughter suggested the locker move idea after getting busted for a mean spirited practical joke on her brother. But she said it as if we would never be open to the idea. I moved my daughter out of the room within the hour and moved the lockers the next day. Momma gets stuff done!

All of it was very helpful and we have continued to make some changes that have brought even more harmony. But I was struck how we needed to be the adults who intervened on behalf of our kids and saw their bad behavior as a cry for help rather than just selfishness.

Kids need heros. Sometimes they need to be rescued from themselves. I got to feel like a hero this month. It was a good feeling amidst this long winter of our discontent. I will consider it Another Homeschool Success Story!